It’s a Rough Day…

When we’re “people pleasers” by nature it may feel like you can’t be honest, even with yourself, and admit you’re having a rough day. You fear the backlash of actually stating that you’re struggling. Maybe you don’t want to worry anyone, or be a “Debbie Downer”. Maybe you fear that people will judge you as a “drama queen” for not being your typical “sunshine” self, so you bottle up how you feel and try to keep pushing through.

But eventually, those buried emotions come to the surface at the least convenient times. Sometimes it’s a complete, ugly cry melt down. Sometimes it comes in the form of a depressive episode. Sometimes it comes as the crud that you have so successfully been battling for months, but due to continued stress you have lost your battle and become sicker than a dog.

I know how you feel, because I am having a “rough day” myself. I have learned that when you surround yourself with the proper support system you can be honest about your struggles, and find a positive in a dreary situation a lot faster. Even as a Recovering People Pleaser, I too, have moments of weaknesses. I have found that when I’m first honest with myself about what’s taking place, I’m able to bounce back much faster. I will call Nana and check in on her so I can get my “I’m so proud of you” wrap up, and I will reach out to the few that I actually trust to have my best interest at heart basically confirm what I already know…I’m a survivor, designed to survive any storm, and it’s okay to have weak moments. By recognizing that you are having one and getting help just proves how strong you truly are. I also know that we can trick our brains into knowing it’s true by hearing it come from someone else’s mouth, so I utilize this tactic often.

The fact remains, it’s okay to have “rough days” as long as we don’t camp out and refuse to put our shoes on. Even if we only lace our shoes that day, it’s still better than not trying to put them on at all. Get out of bed. Face the “rough day” and embrace the lessons of your current struggles, because the day we stop trying to conquer our personal storms is the day we stop truly living at all.

Then try to manage your day into smaller sections. Celebrate each task you accomplish. Don’t beat yourself up for not being quicker, and know that all you can ask of yourself is to give your best for that day, hour, or even minute by minute. Walk or take the stairs whenever you can. Moving gets our serotonin going, which is our saving grace. Know, that you are a fabulous human being, and no matter how long this storm feels like it’s going on it IS just temporary. For you are a Storm Chaser. Designed to survive, and this, too, shall pass….

10 Things You Shouldn’t Tolerate in a Relationship

10 Things You Shouldn't Tolerate in a Relationship

There’s certain things one should NEVER tolerate in a relationship. Here’s a quick list of the 10 biggest DON’Ts to have in yours….

  1. Depreciates Your Goals – They don’t have to have the same dreams you do, but it is certainly NOT okay to crush yours just because they don’t share them. I get asked way too many times what people are supposed to do if their partner or spouse doesn’t support their dreams, and my answer is always the same, “They’re not their dreams. They’re yours. And if they can’t at least support them, then maybe you should consider who you are currently partnered with.”
  2. Speaks Over You – Pet Peeve 100%! I’m not talking about the cute “finishes each other’s sentences” kinda of thing. I’m talking about blatantly cutting you off to talk over you without a care about what you were trying to say. This is NEVER okay, and should be corrected immediately. It’s not cute. It’s rude and abusive.
  3. Guilt Trips You Into Doing Things – If you’re never getting to do what you actually want to do because your partner is always guilt tripping you into doing whatever they want, then it’s time to get a new partner. Relationships are about compromise. Not one side always getting whatever they want.
  4. Bans You From Family and Friends – If they can’t trust you enough to be around your own family and friends, then they need to go. Period. I don’t care how cute they are, or how much you think you love them. If someone’s trying to control who you can and cannot see simply smile, wave, and tell them “bye bye” and walk your happy bottom off to have fun with people that love you for you.
  5. Criticizes You In Front of Everyone – If someone is putting you down on a regular basis, especially if there’s an audience then they need to go. There’s a time and a place, and in front of everyone is neither. You don’t always have to agree with your partner, but if you’re being belittled whenever there’s a crowd then they need to go. Seeing a theme?….
  6. Doesn’t Inspire You to Be Better – You can’t grow if you aren’t with people that inspire you to do so. You should ALWAYS try to inspire your partner to be the best version of themselves they can be for that given day. If they’re too busy becoming a permanent part of the couch and never holding down a job while you do all the work, then you will never grow into the Storm Chaser you’re destined to be. And the world becomes a much sadder place for it.
  7. Treats You Like a Child In Front of Everyone – I’m pretty sure you’re not 2 years old any more. However, if your partner continues to forget that you graduated from high school and are legally an adult and should be treated and spoken to as such, well I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now….they need to GO!
  8. Has Wandering Eyes – Girl, your minimum bid is at least a million dollars. If your own partner can’t keep their eyes on you, then they don’t respect you or value you and are most likely cheating on you. Now a guy’s gonna take a quick look. Let him. Look with him. But if that look last more than 3 seconds, it’s a complete sign of disrespect and you deserve better. Period.
  9. Goes Through Your Phone Only To Use It Against You – If they’re stealing your phone, deleted text messages out of jealously, or keeping track of who you’re talking to so they can start the whole, “Why do you talk to ________ so much? YOu wanna get with them or something?” and it’s your boss at work, then save yourself some grief and send them on their way.
  10. Has Secret Conversations with Ex’s – If someone is having regular conversations with their ex without at least telling you about it, then that’s just stupid shadiness that only leads to trouble. You should have open communication. Not an open relationship. Especially if the same person is banning you from your family and friends and simply wants the whole dessert buffet and tries to eat it too.

This was an ongoing theme in my most toxic relationships, and I can promise you personally that they never end well. I always end up coming to my senses, and now that I have broken my People Pleasing Addiction it’s absolutely unacceptable. Mostly because I know my self-worth and I know what are my hard limits and what I deserve. If you struggle with any of these, be sure to join my FREE facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/groups/ChasingStormi where we’re loving ourselves back to health! See you in there!

Let Go of Your Toxic Relationship

“Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to move forward”, were the words that came from Pastor Craig’s mouth as I sat reflecting on the fact that even though my current struggles remain fierce, I had survived much worse. You see, this is a picture of two days worth of alcohol consumption from my #FallenSoldier ex-husband, which always led to the pesky #VodkaFlu that he seemed to suffer from more and more.

But this story isn’t about his demons. This story is about the process I went through walking away after 5.5 years of abuse. They weren’t all bad. They weren’t all good. People often asked me after why I even bothered to stay as long as I did. My answer is always the same…At first, you dream hopefully that it’s just a phase and they will choose you and go back to being the person you fell in love with. Once reality kicks in, you’re in so deep that you feel like being the responsible party in keeping society safe. I had gotten really good at lying for him, hiding his keys so he wouldn’t accidentally kill anyone, playing submissive to tell him what he needed to hear to keep him behind locked doors, and spent a lot of time secretly praying that he was already passed out by the time I got home since I was the only one able to hold down a job. My soul and spirit were MIA, and I had even gotten to the point where I didn’t care if I lived or died. So I finally gained the courage to walk away in order to save myself this time. Everyone else would have to be on their own for a little while. I had to put myself first, or I was going to be lost forever. This much I knew.

As I secretly made arrangements, and packed up what I could get away with taking, I was flooded with emotions. Heartbreak as I mourned for the man I had originally fallen in love with, and saying good-bye to the relationship I was never going to receive. I was scared to be alone. I worried if I would actually be able to survive on my own. I was embarrassed for people to know what had been going on behind closed doors. Some suspected because I’m a terrible liar, but no one knew the physical and emotional abuse that took place because nothing seemed to leave a visible mark. However, there was plenty of invisible marks left behind. I had to make a choice to let go of the toxic relationship or be consumed by it forever. I finally found my will to live again.

On New Year’s Eve about five years ago, I packed what I was able to behind the locked bedroom door as quickly and quietly as I could. Shortly after, a friend came to help me move. Embarrassment consumed me as strangers hired to help me tripped on the empty vodka bottles that fell out as furniture was moved, but I couldn’t focus on that. I didn’t have time to break down. I was in the middle of survival mode.

Once everything was on the truck or in a car, I slowly walked around collecting the empty bottles and quietly lined them up on the couch that I left behind for him. I stood and silence, with my head tilted, surprised at what emotions were swarming around me. My friend watched me cautiously before gently whispering, “Are you ready?”

“This is why I am leaving,” I said matter of factly.

“Yes,” my friend whispered, “and now it’s time for us to go.”

“I know,” I said without emotion. I turned my back on the empty bottles for the last time and walked out the door. My friend locked up, and we headed to my new place. My place, that was all my own. I silently cried as I drove away. Not because I felt bad. Not because I felt guilty. I was mourning…the relationship that I would never get, and the man I had fallen in love with that was gone forever. But I was also relieved. I inhaled air like I hadn’t been able to for the last several years. Freedom was mine for the taking. For the first time in a long time, I was actually excited for the unknown.

It’s never easy to walk away from a toxic relationship, but five years later the only thing that I would have changed is I wish I had done it sooner. Unfortunately, for the #FallenSoilder he did end up finding peace and is hopefully with his brother and other missed loved ones. Occasionally, I come across something that makes me have to deal with a ghost from the past. However, I can happily got forward and backwards often with a lot less anxiety and emotional breakdown. I had to lose him to find me. I had to hate him to love me. Two choices I would gladly make again and again, because even if he couldn’t always see it….I am worth it.

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